Judy Green-Davis
At my church, when we were going through the educational process to become open and affirming (totally inclusive), we made a videotape in which church members who were gay, parents of gay children, and straight members talked about their lives and faith. Unfortunately, this video (which was very well done and has been used in many local UCC churches) caused the dissolution of a family. One woman came out to the congregation as gay in the video. Her parents (who knew she was a lesbian) were humiliated because now everyone knew she was a lesbian. They left the church and now are distant from their daughter.
So here is a complicated ethical issue. First, the church was working to become open and inclusive. Being open and affirming became a normative belief (although at the time, it was not so; it was a relative belief). Her decision to be open about her life and her faith obviously hurt other people. It was a normative belief for her but, obviously not for her parents who have never welcomed one of her partners into their home. For the congregation, the separation was a great sadness and people disagreed about how all of this should have been handled within the family.
What should a pastor do in such a situation? Is there a role for the pastor of the church in the family problems—potentially uninvited and unwelcomed? How should pastors deal with an ethical issue such as this?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Judy, regarding the filmmaking issue: I wish you asked easier questions!! However, here goes:
ReplyDeleteI’m assuming that when the film was made, the makers were unaware that this public “coming out” was not anticipated/supported by these parents.
For the pastor’s role, I think a letter to the parents apologizing for causing pain and embarrassment, even inadvertently, would be a good idea. I suggest a letter because it’s less intrusive and allows more time for considered response, but would follow up with a phone call after a week or so. (All this after prayerful consideration of what to say and how!) I think the pastor would need to show empathy for the parents’ feelings (as they deal with this very public announcement of what they apparently thought was a private family matter), without being unsupportive of their daughter’s sexual identity. Where this would lead would depend on how the parents received the pastor’s outreach. There seem to be issues of family dynamics here that might best be handled by parties unconnected to the church, but perhaps the pastor could suggest one or more support groups for all involved. Some things to consider: how is daughter feeling about how this played out? Should her part in film continue to be included since it is a source of ongoing family difficulty? Are there parishioners willing to support the parents/daughter and help them through this, and maybe eventually reconcile with the church and each other? (Do you have a Stephen Ministry program, which might help the parents if not the daughter?) How will this affect the making of such filmed resources in the future?
If the parents refuse the pastor’s call, then I guess I’d suggest ongoing prayer re: acceptance and reconciliation for all involved.
Dear Judy,
ReplyDeleteThis story is so sad. Also I understand the situation although I did not have a same situation. My church members left our congregation with different issues. In this situation, a pastor seems to feel frustrated and he or she does not know how to deal with this problem. However, I believe that the church members who left the church need help from the pastor. I think a pastor need to connect with her family although a pastor would not be potentially invited and welcomed, because a pastor need to take care of people who are in difficult situations and pains. This is the duty of pastors. I think there are some problems of relationship; between her and her parents, her parents and the congregation, and her and the congregation. To solve those relational problems, a pastor seems to need meeting with them as pastoral counselor. First, pastor counsels her and take care of her emotion. She seems to feel alone because her parents are distant from her. Also she seems to feel guilty about this situation. Therefore a pastor needs to take care of her and find new way with her. Second, a pastor has to meet with her parents to relieve their angry about their daughter and congregation. A pastor can offer a meeting with other parents who have gay children. This meeting will allow her parent to understand their daughter. Third, after counseling with her and her parents the congregation needs to take care of them and be with them. So a pastor prepares the process to serve her and her parents educating church members and offering diverse methods.
I hope they can overcome this situation. Also I hope a pastor will deal with this situation well.
Judy, thank you for your posting.
ReplyDeleteSame as you, I think that this issue is a very complicated problem to answer. It is very difficult for me to say the pastor was right or wrong and how the pastor should do. Sometimes, there is seperation between Christian teachings and general ethics.
In the light of Christian teachings, the pastor would be right becasue he made that film to prove that God loves all kinds of people, and wants to save all. For him, to save their soul would come fist.
From general ethical perspective, however, the pastor might be denounced by people, since he hurt her parents by making the vedio, and ruined the family.
The pastor would need to take one side and he chosen the former, Christian side. But, this sort of issue is not the problem for just pastors but for all Christians. For Christians, this kind of issue would be one of the problems to be solved.
Judy, thanks for your post. I think that situations like this are inevitable - people have good intentions when they come up with an idea such as this, but when they implement it, something happens that causes someone else to be unhappy, or offended, or worse. My initial reaction to this posting is that the individuals who were involved in producing the video should have perhaps done more in the way of homework to make sure the individuals being interviewed fully understood what, if any, repercussions might have occurred. Having said that, it's also entirely possible that the individual in this case was not aware that her family was going to react in the way that they did, in which case the ultimate outcome could not have been foreseen. Regardless, I think it's the pastor's responsibility to make an effort to work with both sides of the family to attempt reconciliation. How the pastor would do this is difficult to say, but I think the one thing the pastor cannot do in this situation is take sides. The pastor needs to be open and honest with both sides, perhaps pointing out the fact that it was probably not the daughter's intention to hurt or embarrass her family, and that the family may need to do some work on their own in terms of loving their daughter and accepting the fact that she is an openly gay person. This would have to be done with a lot of sensitivity to both sides.
ReplyDeleteAs to your question about what a pastor should do in an ethical situation such as this: I know that for me, as I look forward to being a pastor someday, I would work toward reconciliation within the family, making personal contact with both sides with the ultimate goal of bringing them back together. How I feel as a person about homosexuality is really irrelevant. I can certainly offer my position as an example to my parishoners, letting them know that I embrace gay people for who they are without regard to how they express their sexuality, but I also need to recognize that not everyone feels the same way as I. I think it all goes back to what Jesus teaches us: love your neighbor as you love yourself. Jesus doesn't qualify this statement by saying it's only appropriate to love your neighbor if your neighbor is the same as you. Jesus says to love everyone, no strings attached. And perhaps this could be a starting point for the pastor in this situation.
Greetings Judy,
ReplyDeleteAs a member of pastoral staff in an open and affirming faith community these dynamics are difficult. What I find important to remember, as all our colleagues have stated, it is love and reconciliation with friends and family that will bring balance to the community.
Facilitation of healing conversation for the parents and the adult taking this most important stand to claim their identity is relevant not only to their physical life but inner wholeness.
I think the posts are wise and carefully considered and I thank everyone who has commented. It's important to remember, however, that the young woman who participated in the video is an adult who made the decision to participate with mature consideration. She chose to face potential ramifications.
ReplyDeleteIn thinking about that, I wonder if there is a potential underlying passive-aggressive motive on her part.
Judy I agree with you. If the young woman made the decision to come out this way as an adult, then it was her decision. I do not think that she or her church should apologize for speaking the truth.
ReplyDeleteFor the pastor's perspective however, I wonder how much the pastor knew of the relationship between the parents and this young woman. The complicated issue for me begins on how the pastor should react. Homosexuality in the church is a complicated subject and I don't think there is a way to approach it that is going to please everyone. If I were a pastor in this situation, rather than apologizing for their daughter coming out publically I would talk to the parents to see why they feel so embarrassed about this situation. I think it is important to remember that there is no reason to be embarrassed by the truth. God loves us regardless and rejoices in the truth, in our truth. Forgiveness and reconciliation requires change and love. The pastor will need to work with both sides while not disregarding anyone’s feelings as inadequate.
Katie--a thoughtful and reflective posting--thank you. I agree with you.
ReplyDeleteJudy and Katie, I think you’ve both made important points. However, I might also point out that it is not only our job to speak the truth, but to speak the truth in love. This seems to me to be particularly true where family relationships are concerned. We are most vulnerable to emotional hurt by those we love, and there is a lot of hurt for your pastor to deal with here. It can’t be undone but with time and acceptance and forgiveness it may well be healed. Going forward, I would include in future filmmaking guidelines discussions with participants about who might be “surprised” by the participants’ statements and how the effects might be considered and mitigated ahead of time rather than afterwards (when the effects of public embarrassment compound the grief and pain these family members are already feeling).
ReplyDeleteI think as a pastor we should be their for both for the girl and for the family. Another issue related to anything broadcasting publicly you should have a form signed. That there will be broadcasting of that video and participants can not complain. That makes the person to think twice and also to get ready to deal with the consequences. When there are issues like this the family members are the last to know. Normally the entire town is informed before the family member knows about it. And if there is someone in the middle trying to help that person becomes the “Bad guy”. This time to the disadvantage of the church, the church stood in the middle. I think the pastor here could just help and by listening to both sides and guide them as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThe pastor in the middle became a pawn in the family struggle. I have a lot of trouble with considering the young woman's decision as passive-aggressive. When I grew up, all I heard was how awful gays and lesbians were, and that they were going to hell, and that AIDs was divine punishment. (This was the early 1980's). Even though my dad and stepmother were friends with a lesbian couple, the way my stepmother talked about them behind their back was awful, especially since she was ostensibly a "Christian." Coming out of the closet is not something that one does overnight. There is a good deal of soul searching, and for a religious person, praying. It is not a light decision. It does not occur to the heterosexual folks that coming out is to set yourself apart from your family and community, especially a religious one. It is not something one does for fun, because of the resulting pain and heartbreak by being rejected by your family, and your church community if you are not in a more liberal faith.
ReplyDeleteIf the church was to be more open and affirming, then the parents should have self selected out long before this movie. I am sure that there were conversations going on before this movie. There are plenty of denominations and sects that will welcome the parents with open arms. If they already knew she was gay and had already rejected one of her partners, then it was their choice to be "embarrassed" and blame the pastor and the daughter.
I am going into the ministry just for this reason. A parent should not reject a child. If God forgives, and he creates, then what he makes is good. Gays, lesbians, transgenders, and to a lesser extent bisexuals, are equated with murderers, pedophiles, and the very worst of society. If Jesus could spend time with the very lowest of society, why is the GLBT community given an even lower status. (This is a rhetorical question).
The very essence of Jesus' ethics is to love God, love and protect others as you would yourself, and to forgive.
This is exactly why I am not a Christian, and I will not ever come back into the fold. My mother has been born again, and insists that she'll miss me as eternity is a really long time.
I take Jesus' ethics with me. I leave behind the two millennia of dogma and pain and hatred, to minister to the "least of these." The daughter may owe her parents an apology but not the pastor. If the UCC is truly moving in the direction of being more welcoming, the daughter needs to be ministered to, because loss of parental love is devastating. And it continues.